I Had No Choice!
“For over forty years I occupied a body that largely ran itself whilst ‘I was asleep’.
When I reflect on my 65 years of life, it seems sometimes that I have mostly lived someone else’s life and not one that I imagined or dreamed of when I was a child. When I get up some mornings and take my cup of tea back to bed and think about the day ahead of me, I am still amazed that today I will be helping people to reclaim their happiness and sanity.
How did this come about? How did I create it? Did I create it? How do we? How did I? Do we all look back on our lives as viewed through a camera lens, as if we had lived in a film that bombed at the box-office or became a smash hit?
How did this child, me - with all my issues, problems, self-doubt, and feelings of worthlessness, morph into an adult who would, through a tortuous path of self-interest and self-examination, find a way to help many others on my journey through this difficult and unforgiving life? When did I ‘wake up’ from my childhood programming and start to see that was all I had been?
I did not ask to born and can’t understand those whose belief system includes the totally irrational belief that we choose our parents in order to be punished or rewarded for past sins or goodness in previous lives.
How careless of these self-proclaimed gurus to lay the blame on innocent children for being sexually assaulted, beaten, abused, abandoned, neglected and deprived because they supposedly did bad things in some imagined past life scenario to live a life of hell in this one! How convenient (and ridiculous) to take the onus of responsibility from adults and hand it to blameless children.
This way of thinking would have us believe that if we have an awful life now – then we must have been complete bastards in our past lives – and that we have to suffer in this one because we chose to come to a particular set of parents and in a particular country.
“Oh yes, I was wicked when I my lived life as Napoleon Bonaparte, and now I have to suffer for it”, we are led to believe! How irrational, how naive, how self-destructive and how plain ridiculous that sounds when said out loud. Particularly when you hear that hundreds, possibly thousands of people are told by 'mystics' and 'clairvoyants' that they were also Napoleon Bonaparte in their past lives!! And more fool us for believing it.
Perhaps we need to believe because it is the only belief system that might give us some measure of hope, because thinking that our family is neglectful, brutal, vile and disgusting is not to be tolerated.
We are taught to respect our elders, our parents and authority! We must not blame them if we are beaten, tortured, raped and violated, starved and abused. We must blame ourselves because we deserve it for being so wicked in our past lives. It must be that we have ‘chosen’ this dreadful life and these abusive parents as penance for past life sins.
How else are we, as beautiful, perfect and innocent young children to explain why we are so abused, neglected, abandoned and used by those people who are supposed to love, protect and nurture us?
Oh yes, I did once belief in all that nonsense, but since removing many ‘negative beliefs’ and finding that I no longer feel guilt, shame, blame and that it is all my fault, I no longer need to keep punishing myself, so these outrageous proclamations by so-called wise men bear little semblance to any reality for me.
The reality of 'me' is that my parents had ‘unprotected’ sex, my mother was fertile, and she got pregnant. I was not planned or wanted. A product of sperm and egg; an unlikely meeting! I was an ‘accident’. A moment’s carelessness on my parent’s part created a child who potentially at another moment in time might not exist and many times throughout my life wished I hadn’t.
They did not ask me if I wanted to be here. I did not choose my life and many times I felt like I should not be here and that I didn't belong in my family or on this planet. I did not ‘choose’ my family; we were poor and lived in horrible places. I used to baby-sit for a wealthy family who were lovely people, warm and caring, they had a lovely house with lots of light and food and warmth. And if I had had any choice in who I would be born to I would have chosen them and not my ‘real parents’! After baby-sitting I would drag my feet back to our cold, dark, bleak house to the attic bedroom I would share with my two sisters and hate my life. I hated my existence- ungrateful, selfish wretch that I was.
I wanted more than my parents could give me, both emotionally and financially. My parents were emotionally wounded. As a child I did not understand this and as a result of their misery they had little of anything left over to give, so I always felt emotionally starved.
I watched my Dad’s face sometimes; he often looked like he did not understand what was happening to him – as if he was thinking “How did I get here – with all these kids – in this useless, horrible life. How did I get to have this life”? He seemed to as confused by it as I felt.
Like my father and millions of others on this planet, I have asked myself the same question. How did I get to have this life?
And of course the answer is clear. We might not get the family or parents we choose, but we do get to have the life we have even if we don’t want it and hate it. Based on our beliefs and decisions, plus the occasional serendipity, accident, fortune or misfortune, this is our life and the only one we have. It is limited and short and we make of it what we can.
There is a limited supply of everything on our planet, including resources and money. Money is produced and printed by mints and food is produced by farmers. The universe does not supply it. Everything we have, except the original plant and water sources, has been dreamed of and created by man. Yes grain was here when mankind crawled out of the sludge, but women discovered that by smashing it up and cooking it you could eat it. Buffalo and horse and all manner of animals roamed the earth and men hunted them down and killed them in order to survive. We are still doing it, only now we have to manufacture it because the originals are gone.
But one day soon there will not be enough for the billions on this planet to eat because we are destroying our land and our continued careless acts of ‘unsafe sex’ will continue to produce unwanted children, whilst 17,000 of those already born are starving to death every day. Ask any of those starving, abused children if they chose to be born into the life they are living and they would look at you as if you are insane.
Ask the children living in war zones, where their families are caught up in man’s inhumanity, pride, selfishness and greed, in their need to be right and control people. Did they choose to be born into this violence, bigotry and hatred? They would look at you as if you were mad. The problem is for these poor innocents is, that they will grow up with the same beliefs about the world that their parents and their society have.
A continual cycle – a treadmill of fear, loathing, hatred, hopelessness and apathy.
Mankind has imagined and created amazing things, medicine, space travel, art and technology, but we have also created weapons of mass destruction and created a global fear of each other. No matter how far we have come, still we behave worse than most animals. We are still murdering, starving, stealing and violating others and our planet. We might have more educated people but we are still emotionally no more evolved, we have in fact remained the ignorant, selfish amoeba that crawled onto land and took over the planet.
We have destroyed countless species of plants, animals, peoples and lands that we will never again see. And those we choose to govern us continue to presume that they are in charge, that they as the ‘chosen ones’ have the right to continue to behave as badly as each previous governments. Yet still we vote them in, abdicating any responsibility and griping about how we would change the world if we got to be President.
Some hope, we just want to blame others for our total unwillingness to change ourselves and our archaic belief systems.
We have made and continue to make disastrous choices, both personally and supposedly for the ‘benefit of mankind’. Our belief systems are so powerful that we continue to feel we have ‘no choice’. We are still fighting for survival, still trapped in outdated and worn out belief systems that keep us caught up in shame, hatred, guilt and terror.
And as for me, as men are the ones who do most of the killing, raping, murdering, run most of the business and governments, I continue to remain skeptical of any religion or belief system that orders us to hand over our power to any man who claims he has heard the ‘word of god’ and leave my fate in their hands. Particularly when statistics prove that more people have died and more wars have been fought in the name of religion than any other.
It beggars beliefs that in 2013 we still believe in these fantastical tall-tales and fairy stories. After 2013 years of it, most of us with any morals or compassion are worn out with the effort it takes to keep people alive and thriving in a vacuous, self-serving and merciless world, still allowing these ridiculous man-made belief systems to control and intimidate us and keep us at their mercy and under their control.
I understand that once upon a time we were at the mercy of nature, now we have the means and intelligence to protect ourselves, these belief systems are completely redundant.
Getting rid of my negative beliefs has saved my life and allowed me to become a real person, one I like, respect, who is able to live in my own skin, has become emotionally intelligent, who has understanding, compassion and tolerance for others, able to speak honestly about how I feel about the things that are plaguing our beautiful planet.
And most of all getting rid of my negative beliefs has given me the choice of how to live my life with purpose and meaning and how to help guide people through their own transformations.
©Annie Moyes – 2013 – All Rights Reserved
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